This blog post highlights the many phases and events that occurred in 2020, and the emotions I felt going through them.
I have been wanting to speak up about what has been going on lately across the nation. I’ve had to give myself some grace to take my time in being able to process everything and then speak.
Beginning of 2020
At the start of 2020, I felt the Lord prompting me to rest, to take a break on the many activities I was involved in every week. It definitely felt weird having to say no to some things, but I believe it was so I could spend more time building my relationship with him. Now looking back it may have also been in preparation for what was to come…
Before the pandemic announcement/lockdown, I had found that rest. I was so happy that I was finally getting true rest from a busy lifestyle the first 3 months of the year.
But the pandemic came and I began to think “okay.. I still have an opportunity of rest” but as this pandemic continued I saw that it was a very different kind of rest than I had imagined. So many people were sad, lonely, and going through so much during this time. Including myself.
As many others did, I began to feel lonely. I lived with a lot of roommates, so it felt like a weird loneliness even in the midst of people.
I consider myself an extroverted introvert, but anyways… staying at home was an enjoyment for me, as my extroverted self started to come out more I started to feel those same feelings of aloneness, feeling sad, and worrying. I wanted to go hangout with friend and mostly see my family that I have been missing so much. I then understood a bit of what the whole country is feeling right now.
I had to remind myself that no matter what you are going through, you are not alone. God is with you every step of the way.
He was with me when I was feeling tired and drained before all of this. He was with me, leading me to rest and be okay with resting. He is still with me whenever I start to feel alone.
I had to focus on the idea of resting in him. With that in mind, I actually felt at peace at the start of this.
Mid-2020
The summer months of this year were something else.
With so many people already dying from the virus, we also had so many killings of black people occurring. Such a strange thing. Not only having to worry about my health, but having to transition to also worrying about my life was a weird place to be in. We only read about these things happening in history classes or from our family members… but it was becoming a present reality…
Not long after hearing the sad news, I had experienced my own traumatic incident. It was the day that many people were going to downtown of the city I live in and protesting. I had decided it was not safe for me to go down there at the time. But unfortunately, it didn’t matter. Sigh….
That evening my roommate and I decided to go for a walk within the community we lived in. We figured it would be safe. I remember us discussing our future and how the lord has come through for us and just encouraging each other to pursue new opportunities that had come up for us.
We got to the mid part of our walk and a car comes out of nowhere and shoots at us. (By the grace of God they weren’t real bullets) Whatever was in the gun definitely still made an impact and caused bruises. So yeah, I was closest to the assaulter and I ended up getting hit multiple times, luckily my roommate didn’t get hit.
I can’t even begin to describe how I felt in that moment realizing I was shot at. In a typically peaceful neighborhood, at that. After finally calming down and getting a ride home from my other roommate, I had to decide to call the police.
With everything going on and being someone who is a black woman, I was actually scared to call the police. I had never been that scared prior to all of the crazy situations going on that year and recent years prior.
…But I had to tough it out and report what happened.
Although I was scared because I got shot at and then I was scared to call the police; I am grateful that the cop that showed up was a gentleman and kindly helped me write the report.
After this incident, I could not bring myself to come outside of the house. It was so sad, because I love being outdoors and that’s how I got my exercise during the lockdown. If I went out I stayed in my car and my anxiety was through the roof. At times I was scared to have people over and I think part of that was because I could not make out who had shot at me during the incident.
At first, I felt alone going through that because those that weren’t involved but walked with me through that often were concerned about how they felt and not actually asking me how I was doing. So I had to process a lot of that on my own at first, but then they came around. I know it was scary for everyone that cared for me, so I understood.
That situation sparked my research on how to be properly equipped and protected if I were ever in a situation like that again.
I recognized that just because I believe in Jesus, it doesn’t mean that I am exempt from encountering situations like that. God is my protector and his favor is upon my life. Although, it is also wise for me to know my rights and ways to protect myself.
In the midst of all this darkness, I know that because I believe in him and constantly seek a relationship with him he will provide open opportunities for me to step into, he will allow opportunities for my ideas and the visions he shares within me to come to light, he will prepare me to walk into uncertainty and shine. I believe this for everyone else as well.
I matter because God wants my light from him to radiate unto others. He has a purpose for my life. God wants everyone’s light to shine. Many people will allow the enemy use them to dull someone else’s light like they did to George Floyd, Ahmaud Arbery, Breanna Taylor, Emmett Till, Sandra bland, etc… and too many more souls.
No life is more important than another, but Black lives deserve to shine their rays unto the world as well.
End of 2020
As 2020 finishes out, I reflect and I do recognize how God turned something so dark and evil and used it for good many times throughout the year. This year full of chaos brought many people closer to Christ. There was so much division trying to come about on the earth, but I saw churches rise up and bring back unity. Toxic systems and organizations were exposed.
It helped me pursue getting to know christ even more in-depth, because I had no distractions. The shooting incident taught me that I needed to keep my guard up, stay watch full, and stay equipped… not only physically but also spiritually.
There was so much death in this one year, to me there’s nothing good about that. I recognize that God was there the whole time. I do pray that in some way those people were able to give their life to Christ. I am grateful for another day to get it right.
As tragic as it has been for so many, I realized that God used this problem to refocus the world on him. That we are to seek him and his strength and wisdom; and used this time to bring rest to a lot of people that needed it.
…but these are just my opinions and thoughts about how God used it all.
With Jesus at the foundation of every home, this nation, this world, can be revived and renewed.
Until this, we shall continue to stand up for what is true and righteous, and shine our light into this dark world.
As seen across the nation believers in Jesus Christ have come together to pray, worship, and ask God to heal our land and for wisdom and strength on how to move forward.
—
John 14, is a great chapter to read, it’s about Jesus comforting the disciples as he is telling them of the news of him going to be with the father. Sharing with them what has been given to disciples and the rest of us who believe in him, how to connect with him/the father, the availability of the holy spirit, and his peace.
“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.”
– John 14:27 –
I started with peace, I was shaken up a bit, but I was able to return to peace. A peace only found in Jesus.
He is with you always.
– Shardea Nicole –
Designed to Radiate 
Leave a comment