I’m sitting here on the 23rd day of 2023 writing late at night. These first few weeks of 2023 have been something else.
An emotional rollercoaster, I don’t even know if I should call it that, but I am sitting here thinking about how I’ve let my emotions dictate how I am handling some heavy challenges in my adult life. Those emotions allowed lies to creep in and lead to losing sight.
In the last few months of 2022, God took me on a journey of understanding what spiritual warfare is, the armor of God, how prayer is such an important key when in a spiritual battle, and learning more about the principalities we fight daily. After learning about those things, I developed a fire to pray in a different way I have not prayed before, inviting the holy spirit in, declaring in faith that things would move and change in my life, and in the lives around me.
At the end of the year, I was on fire and bold in faith that things will change, but I found myself catching a couple of disappointments right in the middle of that, and slowly doubt started to creep in.
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I realize that somehow I had lost sight of the many ways the Lord has already come through for me and have sustained me and provided for me.
Somethings I have somehow forgotten about:
- He brought me through a three-year-long intensive Master’s Degree program
- He has brought me through healing from past family trauma and personal traumas
- He brought me through unknown sicknesses
- He brought me through the pandemic with solid health
- He has brought me through healing broken relationships/setting boundaries
- He has brought me through anxiety before, plus gave me the tools to face it.
- He has brought me through my single season and has brought conviction/ held me accountable when I’m tempted to slip
- He has brought me through self-doubt before, he can do it again.
– – My mind is currently thinking about Tye Tribbet’s song that goes ” If he did it before…He can do it again. Same God righ now… same God back then” – –
I also realize I had lost faith in myself and doubted myself.
- I started to believe I was a failure, I was no longer successful, and I wasn’t good enough if I didn’t meet specific goals.
Right after so many blessings had come in my life… these disappointments, obstacles, set backs in my life caused me to forget who God is to me and who I am. My perspective had shifted.
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One thought I couldn’t shake during all of this was why do I have to keep going back to God for these things, why do I have to pray for so long, why when I pray it isn’t fixed in the time I thought it would?
There was also a part of me that got upset when people would pray… “Lord, if you decide to heal this or if you don’t your will be done”.
It hurt a bit thinking that something that is hurting me so badly may not even get healed. But I have to reframe my thoughts on that, because although the sickness in my body has some new complications, the original issue with my health has made positive progress, but it isn’t happening how I expected it or even in the timing I expected.
- My prayers have been for God to fully take it all away, rather than give me the strength to sustain through the process.
- My prayers have been for me to pass and succeed in my career goals instantly and on my timeline, rather than to help me navigate and endure the journey to success.
Now I get it, I can’t force God to do anything. Even if he is going to heal or help me in the process, I have to be patient with his timing. If he doesn’t I have to be grateful because I am alive, he has sustained me. He is a good God regardless of how I’m feeling.
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Even though I was down and headed into depression these first few weeks of the month, and I didn’t know how to connect with myself or with God…I still feed my spirit at least with hearing the word through others:
Through watching/listening to sermons, I went to a women’s conference at my local church, they talked about mental health and the tools that God has given us to navigate that. God has spoken through my family members and newfound friends.
To put the icing on the cake tonight at church I heard a word that sparked my fire again and brought more realization to what is going on.
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God had been trying to tell me to Remember:
Remember all the ways I have already come through for you.
Remember the tools I have already equipped you with for this race... armor up and pray
Remember that I am your best friend (I literally call the father, son, holy spirit… my best friend <3)
Remember that I have taught you who you are… Daughter
Remember I am your strength where you are weak
Remember I am here, there, in between; for you every step of the way
Remember that you can come to me for anything, as many times as you need... I am not tired of you, I want you to come to me
Remember I have created you to be much more than what you are imagining now and more than what you want for yourself.
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I have been running a race, a spiritual one in fact,; fighting for a breakthrough for such a long time, and I almost dropped the baton. I used to run track so this hits close to home.
I was doing good in 2022, fought through some obstacles made progress and at the end of 2022, I lost some of my endurance and accidentally tripped and lost sight of the finish line…
…but I didnt fall and I didnt drop the baton.
I’m focused on finishing the race out strong and with full strength. I don’t know how this race will end, but keep fighting
…I will endure until the end.
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I encourage you to refocus, to endure, and remember!… Don’t forfeit your destiny
“Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him.”
– James 1:12 –
-Shardea Nicole-
A fire within me has been re-lit!
Designed to Radiate 
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