Written on 01/25/2023-
A couple of weeks ago, when I was deep in my sadness and negative feelings about my life circumstances, my dad told me something I’ll never forget…
He told me “look at what is causing you so much pain” and with so many words “find your passion”. He was basically telling me that many people find their passion through pain. At that moment I couldn’t think of how I could find passion in the pain I’m going through. This pain he was helping me process through was about a major health concern, that has left me with so many questions unanswered.
I had a conversation with my medical provider, and I got honest with them about the fact that, I just didn’t understand why I was going through this medical situation, even with many tests done, there aren’t any clear answers for it.
I told them it doesn’t make since why I am going through this and why the only solution at the moment was to take a medicine that I think only is a band-aid to the problem.
They looked at me and said “Just because you don’t have any clear answers of what the cause is, that doesn’t make it any less real. It doesn’t invalidate that you are going through something that is very real and painful. You just may not find the root of the issue without some invasive procedure. You have the choice to accept or deny the remedy prescribed”. I had no words to say after that, but they were right. I didn’t take offense to it because there was so much truth in that.
Maybe I am looking at this all wrong… maybe I need to be a little more grateful… maybe I need to be okay with not being okay… Maybe I need to be okay with taking medicine that could help me more than hurt me in the long run.
I have had this fear of the future for many things… I’m working on it…
When it comes to taking meds, I always saw meds as something that would be a band-aid, and the issues would come back again. But, maybe I need to come to terms with the fact that I just may not receive this miraculous healing in my body that I so desperately pray for, I may need to view the medication as a tool.
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Today a week later, I opened up about another thing I have been experiencing pain from, with my boss. This pain was from my struggle with taking this major board exam/test that has so much potential to advance my career. I had tried many attempts at it and it caused pain because I felt like a failure in that. I had seen so many of my peers that went through gradschool with me, pass it, and I felt like I was falling behind. She told me, “Maybe, this situation will help some other students that may find test taking difficult. Maybe you will be able to help them go through their process”
I found it so interesting she had said that because, there was a glimpse of hope there. In that moment, I received hope that I do have a chance to conquer this test and possibly share my story to help some other test takers who are struggling to pass.
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Just a few minutes ago, I came across a video. This video sparked the idea to come on this blog and share all of this.
In the video, a lady said with so many words that “There is hope after the hurt, and that you can’t help anyone if you don’t know what the hurt feels like” Boom!! *mind blown* The video was about healing from hurt in romantic relationships, but for me, that statement had applied to all the hurt I had been feeling lately.
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I’m just thinking right now of how sweet God is. He is literally using so many people in my life and those who don’t even know me, to speak to me.
During the processing of the pain, I was trying to hold it all in. I felt embarrassed by the pain I felt. I was too embarrassed to share it. I knew I needed help, but I didn’t have faith that the people around me would understand.
Once I had decided to open up, I was in for a surprise, God spoke to me through these people. My dad, my doctor, my boss, the lady from the video aren’t the only ones he used in this season, those are just the immediate conversations I can think of. They helped me see that…God hears me and he has been trying to speak to me the whole time.
Yes, I did feel like he wasn’t listening to me share my pain with him, I did feel like he could not see me. I felt like the constant praying and declaring my healing, declaring my success with this exam was not enough. I had believed a lie that God had abandoned me and I had accepted the lie of shame.
But, I was allowing my emotions, fear, embarrassment, and shame blind me and block my ears from hearing him.
Prior to all of this, I had a moment in life where I didn’t feel seen, heard, or properly loved by people in my life. That’s typical, as we are all imperfect man. During that time, I had this thought come to mind:
I am seen, I am heard, I am loved by God.
I have this written on my mirror in my room, the place I write many encouraging and affirming words to myself. But God has told me once again to Remember. In my last blog post, I talk about all the things God told me to remember during this process. Things he told me and equipped me with before this season of my life, and this was one of them.
God is so so good! He actually prepared me for this time, because he knew it was coming. He knew I would need to remember who he is, who I am, and all he has freely given me.
*Check out my last blog post “Year 2023… Persevere”*
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Moving forward, my thoughts are focused on turning this pain into passion. For starters, I got my passion back to continue sharing my story through this blog, but also I can feel a passion for sharing my story in other ways and helping others in different ways I haven’t thought of before.
I also intend on looking into who in the bible used their pain and God was able to help them turn it into something great! …Stay tuned.
– Shardea Nicole –
Designed to Radiate 
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